It’s not too soon to start thinking about 2024. My money’s on Charlie Sheen for GOP nominee. In 2028, he refuses to leave office when Chelsea Clinton narrowly wins PA and the Great Lakes by a few tens of thousands of late-arriving mail-in ballots. Social media swells with an endless stream of very confident rightwing and woke-left intelligentsia emphatically assuring us that Sheen’s 2024 Democratic opponent — literally MLK back from the dead and sporting angel wings — would have been just as bad, or worse. (Many on the woke-left adore Sheen — aka Carlos Estevez — for adopting the Latinx identity, a term that 3% of Hispanics would self-ascribe and that the other 97% have absolutely no idea how to pronounce.)
This time, the courts favor Sheen. He’s managed to pack just enough of them with people who got a “JD” from the relaunched Trump University after locations in Alabama and Mississippi began bestowing the degree on QAnon and Parler members.
A video surfaces not long after we elect President Sheen where he’s graphically, unmistakably, and simultaneously performing fellatio on Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un. President Sheen reassures the team at Fox & Friends by stating that, hey, he fellated 50 despots that day and so what’s so special about these two? His followers who — because they’re fabulously clever — call Sheen “Master” flood Twitter with deep-faked videos of world leaders and political opponents fellating a wide array of people and non-human animals. More deep fakes come after Master shoots a mouthy reporter to death on live TV during a brief.
But no one watches political briefs anyway. The highest-rated show is just a collection of various commercials with a laugh track over each one. All regular commercials on America’s Favorite Commercials are for anti-depressants, ED drugs, or, occasionally, a toy flamingo that defecates.
It’s not all bad, though. The gangrene in Mitch McConnel’s limbs finally reaches his heart and a handful of Republican senators are permitted to vote yes on an aggressive carbon tax that spurs green energy innovation and job creation.
With historically low unemployment, we can buy more than ever before. What do we buy? Anything but vaccines.
Future historians refer to this U.S. period as “The Golden (Shower) Age.”